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Brought to you by your sensational, magnificent, awe-inspiring friend! Study these exceptional words well and apply your favourites in everyday life!
Oct 7, 2005
Night falls on the world... on my heart.... as the pain consumes me....
Just been trying to fathom a comfortable niche in the spectrum between brazenly insensitive stone-cold apathy and perpetually effusive emo-exaggerated theatre angst.
Of course, being sensitive and compassionate, I could never fall into the former extreme, and the latter extreme often makes me feel guilty about being sad. How could I ever claim to be sad when night has befallen their heart and the pain is consuming them? Isn't it true that when you're sad, someone is always sadder than you? What business do I have being sad, anyway, when I am merely wading about in a foot bath of dissatisfaction and they are drowning in oceans of sadness? Surely, what I'm going through is nothing compared to the excruciating hell they must be enduring, as they eat their double decker burritos and listen to slit-wrist gothic music.
I recognise it's becoming increasingly "hip" to act as if life is a complete tragedy and you are one of its biggest victims, but really, that just makes it harder for me to deal with being anything but perfectly content. When so many of life's "victims" out there are busy "bleeding through the eyes" and insisting that the world has nothing to offer them, I feel like such a lousy competitor. I very rarely cry, dark morbid poetry doesn't come naturally to me, and before I finish composing the first draft of my suicide note, I usually feel better. I just have too much to be positive about, and have nothing on the true emo kids.
You know, that alone just fills my heart with intense tribulation and my soul with irrepressible anguish. The misers of misery in my mind are insatiable gluttons.
I try not to deny the way I feel, mind, to myself or others that I deem worthy of knowing exactly how I feel. I feel it's worth emphasising, however, that I hate exaggerating while describing the way I feel, be it good or bad. If I'm sad, I won't say I'm miserable. If I'm satisfied, I won't say I'm ecstatic. I'm tired of seeing people clinging to either black or white because grey is such a dense and complicated shade. Corners and edges are psychologically attractive to us, but sometimes, if we want to remain true to ourselves and not become lost in a cycle of delusion, we have to make an effort to stand somewhere out in the middle: the small island hovering above a vast chaotic whirlpool whose nadir is but a portal back to the very edge that sucked you in to begin with.
So be honest with yourself now, and you won't have to burst out of your cozy little dream and confront the truth later on.
I'm tired of putting on acts for people, and in turn am tired of suspecting that many are simply leading me on. Honesty and truth have always been important to me, but I am embracing it more and more everyday. Ideally, I want to be completely true to myself and others without sacrificing my imagination. Can I accomplish that feat? Probably. I underestimate myself constantly. I want to feel as if I actually have a good reason to be here, as if my presence on Earth is somewhat justified.
I have been rather sad lately, and I can't put my finger on what has been feeding it. As I recall, I felt very similar to this around the same time of this month last year, when I was seriously considering dropping out of school. This realisation is some small consolation, since I managed to pull through then, somehow. I think there is something about mid-fall semester that is quite melancholy-inducing. Maybe it's just October.
Of course, I strongly desire to break out of this funk, as it's adversely affecting my productivity. 18 credits at once is not a comfortable pace. I mentioned my course load to a few other seniors in my major and many of them just gave me a "you crazy over-achieving bastard" look. It's far, far too easy to get hopelessly behind . . . and if I get behind I'll probably feel even worse about myself, then I'll be stuck in a hopeless rut and will no doubt be royally screwed.
At the same time, I still have my self-confidence telling me I can make it through. I have little doubt I can... but at what cost?
On the plus side, here's an interesting story- I made an intro post on a forum a couple week ago, and mentioned I was from Hawaii. A moderator messaged me a couple days later and let me know that a couple of his friends just moved out to Hilo to attend university. Small world, huh? Hopefully, I'll get the chance to meet up with the furres and see what they're like.
Interestingly, not only do I increasingly feel like meeting more interesting people, I also desire to converse more often with individuals I already know and love. I truly feel as if I am starting to break out of my shell when it comes to associating with humans... I find myself desiring to be around like-minded individuals a little more everyday. That's not to say my ideals are shifting completely ... far from it. I am maturing in some ways, which is better rather than worse in my view. I have nothing to regret as long as I don't lose sight of who I am and what makes me, me.
Throughout most of my childhood, I was deathly afraid of people. I have realised that I am an extremely late bloomer, but I don't see any fault with that.
I took a three hour nap, and feel extremely rested. I also had several anthropomorphic dreams. In the most memorable one, I was a passenger in a truck with three foxes and we almost got ourselves stuck in the sand while driving along the beach too close to the ocean. It reminds me of the time back in '89 when my father let his sister drive his then brand new Isuzu pick-up truck along Kekaha Beach in Kauai, and she, having seen too many films or images featuring people driving right by the ocean, nearly buried it for good before he took over the wheel and barely got it unstuck before the tide came in.
It's going on 2:30 in the morning, and I'm about to go grocery shopping to see if I can afford a loaf of bread or two. Or maybe just drive around aimlessly, wasting expensive gas. At this point, I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes to escape from the ordinary.
Just keep going, Neal.
Of course, being sensitive and compassionate, I could never fall into the former extreme, and the latter extreme often makes me feel guilty about being sad. How could I ever claim to be sad when night has befallen their heart and the pain is consuming them? Isn't it true that when you're sad, someone is always sadder than you? What business do I have being sad, anyway, when I am merely wading about in a foot bath of dissatisfaction and they are drowning in oceans of sadness? Surely, what I'm going through is nothing compared to the excruciating hell they must be enduring, as they eat their double decker burritos and listen to slit-wrist gothic music.
I recognise it's becoming increasingly "hip" to act as if life is a complete tragedy and you are one of its biggest victims, but really, that just makes it harder for me to deal with being anything but perfectly content. When so many of life's "victims" out there are busy "bleeding through the eyes" and insisting that the world has nothing to offer them, I feel like such a lousy competitor. I very rarely cry, dark morbid poetry doesn't come naturally to me, and before I finish composing the first draft of my suicide note, I usually feel better. I just have too much to be positive about, and have nothing on the true emo kids.
You know, that alone just fills my heart with intense tribulation and my soul with irrepressible anguish. The misers of misery in my mind are insatiable gluttons.
I try not to deny the way I feel, mind, to myself or others that I deem worthy of knowing exactly how I feel. I feel it's worth emphasising, however, that I hate exaggerating while describing the way I feel, be it good or bad. If I'm sad, I won't say I'm miserable. If I'm satisfied, I won't say I'm ecstatic. I'm tired of seeing people clinging to either black or white because grey is such a dense and complicated shade. Corners and edges are psychologically attractive to us, but sometimes, if we want to remain true to ourselves and not become lost in a cycle of delusion, we have to make an effort to stand somewhere out in the middle: the small island hovering above a vast chaotic whirlpool whose nadir is but a portal back to the very edge that sucked you in to begin with.
So be honest with yourself now, and you won't have to burst out of your cozy little dream and confront the truth later on.
I'm tired of putting on acts for people, and in turn am tired of suspecting that many are simply leading me on. Honesty and truth have always been important to me, but I am embracing it more and more everyday. Ideally, I want to be completely true to myself and others without sacrificing my imagination. Can I accomplish that feat? Probably. I underestimate myself constantly. I want to feel as if I actually have a good reason to be here, as if my presence on Earth is somewhat justified.
I have been rather sad lately, and I can't put my finger on what has been feeding it. As I recall, I felt very similar to this around the same time of this month last year, when I was seriously considering dropping out of school. This realisation is some small consolation, since I managed to pull through then, somehow. I think there is something about mid-fall semester that is quite melancholy-inducing. Maybe it's just October.
Of course, I strongly desire to break out of this funk, as it's adversely affecting my productivity. 18 credits at once is not a comfortable pace. I mentioned my course load to a few other seniors in my major and many of them just gave me a "you crazy over-achieving bastard" look. It's far, far too easy to get hopelessly behind . . . and if I get behind I'll probably feel even worse about myself, then I'll be stuck in a hopeless rut and will no doubt be royally screwed.
At the same time, I still have my self-confidence telling me I can make it through. I have little doubt I can... but at what cost?
On the plus side, here's an interesting story- I made an intro post on a forum a couple week ago, and mentioned I was from Hawaii. A moderator messaged me a couple days later and let me know that a couple of his friends just moved out to Hilo to attend university. Small world, huh? Hopefully, I'll get the chance to meet up with the furres and see what they're like.
Interestingly, not only do I increasingly feel like meeting more interesting people, I also desire to converse more often with individuals I already know and love. I truly feel as if I am starting to break out of my shell when it comes to associating with humans... I find myself desiring to be around like-minded individuals a little more everyday. That's not to say my ideals are shifting completely ... far from it. I am maturing in some ways, which is better rather than worse in my view. I have nothing to regret as long as I don't lose sight of who I am and what makes me, me.
Throughout most of my childhood, I was deathly afraid of people. I have realised that I am an extremely late bloomer, but I don't see any fault with that.
I took a three hour nap, and feel extremely rested. I also had several anthropomorphic dreams. In the most memorable one, I was a passenger in a truck with three foxes and we almost got ourselves stuck in the sand while driving along the beach too close to the ocean. It reminds me of the time back in '89 when my father let his sister drive his then brand new Isuzu pick-up truck along Kekaha Beach in Kauai, and she, having seen too many films or images featuring people driving right by the ocean, nearly buried it for good before he took over the wheel and barely got it unstuck before the tide came in.
It's going on 2:30 in the morning, and I'm about to go grocery shopping to see if I can afford a loaf of bread or two. Or maybe just drive around aimlessly, wasting expensive gas. At this point, I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes to escape from the ordinary.
Just keep going, Neal.
Oct 6, 2005
I woke up at 11:25 yesterday morning, much too late to leisurely get out of bed, have breakfast, and make my noon class, and much too early to immediately decide that class would not be worth attending since I'd miss a significant portion of the 50 minute lecture. I hate when that happens, since making important decisions immediately after waking up is not something I enjoy doing. I decided not to push it and laid my head back down to get another half hour of sleep. Hey, I hadn't made my way into sleepland until about 4:30 in the morning!
Before my 1:00 class, I had some time to construct a reply to a post on a forum I frequent. I had plenty to say in response, and feel it's worth recording here (touched up a little) just for safekeeping, and because it may interest other viewers.
*******'s latest spiel is the sort of thing that made me hesitant to want to label myself a furry in the first place. I honestly don't know where to start in picking apart this post, but I guess I'll just start from the beginning.
Yes, we have nothing to be ashamed of, but your entire post in general actually suggests something otherwise. It doesn't make you seem confident with and proud of what you are, it just makes you appear unconvinced and insecure and that you're just trying to justify your feelings. Not only that, you're inadvertently making furry out to be something like a curse. It's something you like, pal; not some horrible disease that's going to get you quarantined to a leper colony.
You know, I've spoken with a few anti-furries, and many of the halfway reasonable ones say that the main reason they don't like furries so much is because so many of them act like a downtrodden minority and use their furriness as an excuse to act like victims of society. After reading your post, *******, I can completely understand where they're coming from. I'm sure many of them don't shun us for liking what we like so much as the ridiculous "we're freaks and proud of it so let's be anti-humanity" movement so many parade around. Frankly, I'm awfully tired of it.
All the childish cliches in your argument also bother me. "Humans suck so much! I'm so glad I'm not them, living their empty, cruel, heartless lives! Furry forever!!!!@!@"
... Whatever. You should develop enough maturity to realise that if you wish to be accepted, you have to be accepting of others. It's a pretty basic principle. If you want your furriness to be accepted, then stop making preposterous generalisations about virtually everyone who isn't a furry. That will get you absolutely nowhere. Why can't more souls just enjoy the fandom and live a furry lifestyle without blowing everything way out of proportion and demanding "equal rights"? No wonder there are so many anti-furries out there. We are in full control of who we are. We have every right to enjoy what we enjoy. We even have the right in most places to walk around in public in fursuits. Honestly, what the heck are we fighting for? Respect? Admiration? None of us are as special as some of us delude ourselves into thinking, so we shouldn't expect to be treated like nobles. The better you treat others and keep an open mind toward their differing beliefs, the better you yourself can expect to be treated, and the better you're making the whole furry fandom look. If you want to be regarded as an equal, then start treating others like equals. Being a furry is nothing to be ashamed of, since it's really just a personalised set of preferences, tastes, and values, but being a closed-minded, self-righteous, melodramatic furry is.
Living life closer to the animal kingdom? Please . . . humans are in the animal kingdom. But I'm sure you'll get over your rebellious phase in a few years. Rebellious tendencies happen to pretty much every young human or fur at some point in their lives, then they grow up.
If anyone needs to lighten up, it might just be you. Be content with who you are and try to develop an appreciation and respect for differences. Realise that there is no such thing as "normal," as others have already pointed out. We're not in the 'right' and everything else in the 'wrong' as you seem to be implying. We all just have individual tastes and preferences, and you should stop treating 'everyone else' like they're just a colossal army of mindless drones. Deep down inside, you must know that isn't true, so it's time to progress- to break free of your dream world just long enough for you to at least realise the truth. The sooner you face up to it all, the easier life will become for you. Trust me, please.
To add on to this, I recognise I may very well be coming off as a hypocrite to many who have followed my online contributions over the years. I do recall all that "I hate humanity" griping I used to do. I do believe that I have, in fact, wisened up substantially over the past many months, at least enough to overcome my 'rebellious' lashing-out-at-society stage. It was probably at its worst from 2000-2002, but I'm still wringing out the last remaining traces of it- for my own good to say the least. I am learning from the mistakes I make along the way, and I see no reason to indulge in those puerile games anymore. Leading people on with staged bitterness and hostility due to exaggerated contempt toward anything with opposable thumbs was amusing for awhile, but is simply not gratifying anymore. I believe I am finally realising that I would rather be a help than a hindrance.
I would also rather simply be myself and say what I mean. There's no easier place to do such a thing than my very own journal.
I have Di-Qwan's Dance Grooves in my head. Figures.
Before my 1:00 class, I had some time to construct a reply to a post on a forum I frequent. I had plenty to say in response, and feel it's worth recording here (touched up a little) just for safekeeping, and because it may interest other viewers.
*******'s latest spiel is the sort of thing that made me hesitant to want to label myself a furry in the first place. I honestly don't know where to start in picking apart this post, but I guess I'll just start from the beginning.
Yes, we have nothing to be ashamed of, but your entire post in general actually suggests something otherwise. It doesn't make you seem confident with and proud of what you are, it just makes you appear unconvinced and insecure and that you're just trying to justify your feelings. Not only that, you're inadvertently making furry out to be something like a curse. It's something you like, pal; not some horrible disease that's going to get you quarantined to a leper colony.
You know, I've spoken with a few anti-furries, and many of the halfway reasonable ones say that the main reason they don't like furries so much is because so many of them act like a downtrodden minority and use their furriness as an excuse to act like victims of society. After reading your post, *******, I can completely understand where they're coming from. I'm sure many of them don't shun us for liking what we like so much as the ridiculous "we're freaks and proud of it so let's be anti-humanity" movement so many parade around. Frankly, I'm awfully tired of it.
All the childish cliches in your argument also bother me. "Humans suck so much! I'm so glad I'm not them, living their empty, cruel, heartless lives! Furry forever!!!!@!@"
... Whatever. You should develop enough maturity to realise that if you wish to be accepted, you have to be accepting of others. It's a pretty basic principle. If you want your furriness to be accepted, then stop making preposterous generalisations about virtually everyone who isn't a furry. That will get you absolutely nowhere. Why can't more souls just enjoy the fandom and live a furry lifestyle without blowing everything way out of proportion and demanding "equal rights"? No wonder there are so many anti-furries out there. We are in full control of who we are. We have every right to enjoy what we enjoy. We even have the right in most places to walk around in public in fursuits. Honestly, what the heck are we fighting for? Respect? Admiration? None of us are as special as some of us delude ourselves into thinking, so we shouldn't expect to be treated like nobles. The better you treat others and keep an open mind toward their differing beliefs, the better you yourself can expect to be treated, and the better you're making the whole furry fandom look. If you want to be regarded as an equal, then start treating others like equals. Being a furry is nothing to be ashamed of, since it's really just a personalised set of preferences, tastes, and values, but being a closed-minded, self-righteous, melodramatic furry is.
Living life closer to the animal kingdom? Please . . . humans are in the animal kingdom. But I'm sure you'll get over your rebellious phase in a few years. Rebellious tendencies happen to pretty much every young human or fur at some point in their lives, then they grow up.
If anyone needs to lighten up, it might just be you. Be content with who you are and try to develop an appreciation and respect for differences. Realise that there is no such thing as "normal," as others have already pointed out. We're not in the 'right' and everything else in the 'wrong' as you seem to be implying. We all just have individual tastes and preferences, and you should stop treating 'everyone else' like they're just a colossal army of mindless drones. Deep down inside, you must know that isn't true, so it's time to progress- to break free of your dream world just long enough for you to at least realise the truth. The sooner you face up to it all, the easier life will become for you. Trust me, please.
To add on to this, I recognise I may very well be coming off as a hypocrite to many who have followed my online contributions over the years. I do recall all that "I hate humanity" griping I used to do. I do believe that I have, in fact, wisened up substantially over the past many months, at least enough to overcome my 'rebellious' lashing-out-at-society stage. It was probably at its worst from 2000-2002, but I'm still wringing out the last remaining traces of it- for my own good to say the least. I am learning from the mistakes I make along the way, and I see no reason to indulge in those puerile games anymore. Leading people on with staged bitterness and hostility due to exaggerated contempt toward anything with opposable thumbs was amusing for awhile, but is simply not gratifying anymore. I believe I am finally realising that I would rather be a help than a hindrance.
I would also rather simply be myself and say what I mean. There's no easier place to do such a thing than my very own journal.
I have Di-Qwan's Dance Grooves in my head. Figures.
Oct 3, 2005
Alternative outcome.
I got 63/75 on my biostatistics exam, where the class average is in the lower 50's. Using advanced statistical analysis techniques paired with base knowledge of faculty grading principles, that equates to an A. My confidence interval has increased exponentially, and I'm so stoked about my standard deviation from the mean.
It's always nice to be pleasantly surprised by learning that a random stranger shares a similar taste to mine. I overheard someone in my class voice a distinctive Crash Bandicoot "whoa!" when he received his tests results. A very good impression, it was. When I am seemingly always surrounded by things that annoy me, such as unlistenable rap music, anime nerds and awesome zombies, little things like that can make my entire day.
I need to build a resume for myself, but I also need to somehow find the incentive to start. It seems like such a daunting task when there are entire books out there focusing on resume writing. I would greatly appreciate any pointers from someone who has already written a resume, which would be at least enough to get me started. Once I have such a document, I can think of about a dozen places off the top of my head that I would like to submit it to.
It's always nice to be pleasantly surprised by learning that a random stranger shares a similar taste to mine. I overheard someone in my class voice a distinctive Crash Bandicoot "whoa!" when he received his tests results. A very good impression, it was. When I am seemingly always surrounded by things that annoy me, such as unlistenable rap music, anime nerds and awesome zombies, little things like that can make my entire day.
I need to build a resume for myself, but I also need to somehow find the incentive to start. It seems like such a daunting task when there are entire books out there focusing on resume writing. I would greatly appreciate any pointers from someone who has already written a resume, which would be at least enough to get me started. Once I have such a document, I can think of about a dozen places off the top of my head that I would like to submit it to.
"In Kate's words, during an awkward pause in the art of conversation that seems so novel to both of us: "God, I'm so inept." But really, social ineptitude with any normal soul is simply a reflection of those many years where we found more interesting friends, with whom an entirely new language was created -- an amalgamation of all our oddities rather than a melting pot. Anti-normality? No, that implies rebellion. (You know, the people who are random just for the sake of being different? They make me want to take their sugar away for a few days and then subject them to random torture involving ice-scraper mitts, pizza boxes and umbrellas.)" - 0033232...my thoughts exactly.
Oct 2, 2005
rural vs. urban
If there is only one lesson I could have taken home from my mainland trip this summer, it's that I might be a little more keen on city living than I previously thought I ever would be. The visual splendor of the Vancouver skyline at twilight left quite an impression on me, as did the renowned Stanley Park. I greatly enjoyed gallivanting around Seattle and San Francisco, experiencing true metropolitan culture.
Surprisingly, I did not feel estranged while wandering around most of the cities I visited, but instead I was rather ensconced. Seattle and Vancouver offered such a rich assortment of activities, both in and outside of the city. The green spaces and outlying nature were luxuriant and beautiful, and the nightlife was alive. Calgary and San Bernardino, however, were two cities I don't particularly care to ever set foot into again. I only spent a day in either, but they both left a very bad taste in my mouth. They made Phoenix, the only city I've ever really lived in, seem almost ... liveable.
Hilo has its beautiful parks and surrounding nature, but the nightlife ceases long before the night even begins to age. Recently, I have realised that the ideal place or me at this point in my life is a city. It may seem contrary to my very nature, but I can still see the logic in it.
First, the city offers many more career opportunities in contrast to a relatively small town. Being as I have been educated for a career relating to the social sciences, I would like to live in a place where more career opportunities are available. I don't care to be stuck working for the future Petco or a papaya farm.
Second, there is simply more culture in the city, and more things to do. Walking around Hilo at midnight, I notice that everything is closed save for Safeway and a few convenience stores. Increasingly, I yearn to live in a place where there is abundant nightlife through the wee hours of the night, in the form of clubs, concerts, arenas, shopping centres, etc. I don't particularly like humans, yet many human functions and gatherings tend to appeal to me. Ironic, no? I just want more to do.
Third, living in the city doesn't mean I always have to -be- in the city. When I lived in Phoenix, I fortunately had a car I could use to venture out into the mountains on occasion. That was one of the few things that kept me sane. It would be nice to live in a place where if I wanted some time alone with nature, I could simply hop in my car and drive for half an hour and be entirely by myself. That's one of the biggest advantages to living here in Hilo. I can ride my bike for ten minutes and be lost in the rainforest. No city can beat that.
Fourth, I have lived in rural areas for 20 years of my life and desire a departure from the norm. One of my parents' goals was to bring up their two sons in places surrounded by beautiful nature, and I would have to say they have done a tremendous job. I feel such an upbringing was appropriate for who I am, and in retrospect, couldn't imagine what kind of person I would be today if I had been raised in Phoenix like so many of my cousins. Poor souls.
Fifth, something about the vast array of glowing, flickering city lights at night has a way of soothing my soul. It's one of the very few things I miss about Phoenix. I loved going up into the mountains in the middle of the night and looking down upon the city like a raptorious observer.
I could base my prediction of whether I would enjoy living in the city or not entirely on my rather negative Phoenix experience, but I think doing such a thing would be foolhardy. Phoenix is incredibly boring, featuring countless golf courses, endless sunshine and brutal heat, square mile after square mile of upscale shopping centres, a couple water parks, and... not much else. What did people do there on a hot summer day? Stay indoors and watch the baseball game or hang out at the mall. All the brown grass, the polluted air, the deserted streets in July, the cruddy looking buildings down on Van Buren... yuckaroo. I must force myself to cease ranting about how bad it was.
Fortunately, I am anywhere but there. Actually, I am strongly considering Honolulu as a future living prospect. It's very, very feasible at this juncture, moreso than any mainland city. In the past, I turned my nose up at it because my brother lived there, and it just seemed too crowded. My perspectives and values have shifted a little since then, though. In truth, it's quite a beautiful, nicely run metropolis. It has Waikiki, and many, many more venues and cultural events than anywhere else in the state. Honolulu is the throbbing heart of Hawaii, where an overwhelming 70% of the state's population lives. Something exciting is -always- happening there. And of course, it's but a mild leap from home compared to the mainland. Returning home for a vacation would be a much easier feat.
Then, I am turned on by the fact that there is so much beautiful wilderness on Oahu that I have never before explored. Honolulu is confined to the southern part of the state, but between the city and the north shore lies a vast network of nice hiking and biking trails and places to otherwise lose oneself in. I would certainly have plenty to do on the weekends- maybe spend the day wandering around in the mountains and the following night attending a rave.
I'm not certain I could find a sufficient place to live for as 'cheap' as the $400 per month I'm currently paying for my apartment, but I'm sure I could find something. There is also the possibility that my brother may be moving back to Honolulu, and I could stay with him while I search for my own domicile. I think I might be able to tolerate that for a few days ...maybe. It would be easier to line up a job in Honolulu from my current residence than try to get a job on the mainland from here. It makes sense to start work in Hawaii since I will also (hopefully) earn my degree from here.
I suppose anyone who perceives me as someone who wants to hide out in an isolated cabin in the Montana wilderness and be a recluse for my entire life may have just gotten the wrong impression.
To reiterate, at this point in my life, I believe the city is where I belong. Several years ago, I never could have imagined myself saying such a thing. But life is like that. Maybe someday, I shall have kids...
**giggles** I kill myself.
Surprisingly, I did not feel estranged while wandering around most of the cities I visited, but instead I was rather ensconced. Seattle and Vancouver offered such a rich assortment of activities, both in and outside of the city. The green spaces and outlying nature were luxuriant and beautiful, and the nightlife was alive. Calgary and San Bernardino, however, were two cities I don't particularly care to ever set foot into again. I only spent a day in either, but they both left a very bad taste in my mouth. They made Phoenix, the only city I've ever really lived in, seem almost ... liveable.
Hilo has its beautiful parks and surrounding nature, but the nightlife ceases long before the night even begins to age. Recently, I have realised that the ideal place or me at this point in my life is a city. It may seem contrary to my very nature, but I can still see the logic in it.
First, the city offers many more career opportunities in contrast to a relatively small town. Being as I have been educated for a career relating to the social sciences, I would like to live in a place where more career opportunities are available. I don't care to be stuck working for the future Petco or a papaya farm.
Second, there is simply more culture in the city, and more things to do. Walking around Hilo at midnight, I notice that everything is closed save for Safeway and a few convenience stores. Increasingly, I yearn to live in a place where there is abundant nightlife through the wee hours of the night, in the form of clubs, concerts, arenas, shopping centres, etc. I don't particularly like humans, yet many human functions and gatherings tend to appeal to me. Ironic, no? I just want more to do.
Third, living in the city doesn't mean I always have to -be- in the city. When I lived in Phoenix, I fortunately had a car I could use to venture out into the mountains on occasion. That was one of the few things that kept me sane. It would be nice to live in a place where if I wanted some time alone with nature, I could simply hop in my car and drive for half an hour and be entirely by myself. That's one of the biggest advantages to living here in Hilo. I can ride my bike for ten minutes and be lost in the rainforest. No city can beat that.
Fourth, I have lived in rural areas for 20 years of my life and desire a departure from the norm. One of my parents' goals was to bring up their two sons in places surrounded by beautiful nature, and I would have to say they have done a tremendous job. I feel such an upbringing was appropriate for who I am, and in retrospect, couldn't imagine what kind of person I would be today if I had been raised in Phoenix like so many of my cousins. Poor souls.
Fifth, something about the vast array of glowing, flickering city lights at night has a way of soothing my soul. It's one of the very few things I miss about Phoenix. I loved going up into the mountains in the middle of the night and looking down upon the city like a raptorious observer.
I could base my prediction of whether I would enjoy living in the city or not entirely on my rather negative Phoenix experience, but I think doing such a thing would be foolhardy. Phoenix is incredibly boring, featuring countless golf courses, endless sunshine and brutal heat, square mile after square mile of upscale shopping centres, a couple water parks, and... not much else. What did people do there on a hot summer day? Stay indoors and watch the baseball game or hang out at the mall. All the brown grass, the polluted air, the deserted streets in July, the cruddy looking buildings down on Van Buren... yuckaroo. I must force myself to cease ranting about how bad it was.
Fortunately, I am anywhere but there. Actually, I am strongly considering Honolulu as a future living prospect. It's very, very feasible at this juncture, moreso than any mainland city. In the past, I turned my nose up at it because my brother lived there, and it just seemed too crowded. My perspectives and values have shifted a little since then, though. In truth, it's quite a beautiful, nicely run metropolis. It has Waikiki, and many, many more venues and cultural events than anywhere else in the state. Honolulu is the throbbing heart of Hawaii, where an overwhelming 70% of the state's population lives. Something exciting is -always- happening there. And of course, it's but a mild leap from home compared to the mainland. Returning home for a vacation would be a much easier feat.
Then, I am turned on by the fact that there is so much beautiful wilderness on Oahu that I have never before explored. Honolulu is confined to the southern part of the state, but between the city and the north shore lies a vast network of nice hiking and biking trails and places to otherwise lose oneself in. I would certainly have plenty to do on the weekends- maybe spend the day wandering around in the mountains and the following night attending a rave.
I'm not certain I could find a sufficient place to live for as 'cheap' as the $400 per month I'm currently paying for my apartment, but I'm sure I could find something. There is also the possibility that my brother may be moving back to Honolulu, and I could stay with him while I search for my own domicile. I think I might be able to tolerate that for a few days ...maybe. It would be easier to line up a job in Honolulu from my current residence than try to get a job on the mainland from here. It makes sense to start work in Hawaii since I will also (hopefully) earn my degree from here.
I suppose anyone who perceives me as someone who wants to hide out in an isolated cabin in the Montana wilderness and be a recluse for my entire life may have just gotten the wrong impression.
To reiterate, at this point in my life, I believe the city is where I belong. Several years ago, I never could have imagined myself saying such a thing. But life is like that. Maybe someday, I shall have kids...
**giggles** I kill myself.
Kawaii? More like Kauai.
Anime is so fucking lame.
A fairly general statement, I know, but it adequately summarises the overall impression that I get whenever I see a "hot" anime chick flaunting her disgusting figure in someone's forum signature image, or view any anime on TV, be it kid or adult-oriented. It could not possibly get any worse than kid shows like "Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go," but I imagine such a thing is a joke even amongst the anime community. At least, I hope it is.
Actually, I think more "sophisticated" programmes like Hellsing and Full Metal Alchemist are almost as bad. The characters in FMA look and act just as stupid to me as the characters in Dragonball Z. I could not get myself involved in the story at all. The only anime show I've ever managed to sit all the way through was Wolf's Rain, but only because of its slightly furry theme. Otherwise, it was quite a bore, and the characters as humans just got on my nerves.
I don't not like anime just to be different. I have tried as hard as I could to find some reason to respect it, but have not yet succeeded. Apparently, anime is something I simply cannot appreciate. And I would just leave it at that and let people like what they want to like, if it wasn't for disconcerting little notes like these:
"it's pretty funny you say you don't like anime, and say your play dumb games like starfox adventures which has a bad plot and little stuff to do besides hit things with a stick. Appreciating great anime requires discerning taste and apparently all you have is a fondness for simlplistic (sic) kiddy games."
One idiot giving the entire village a bad name? Not quite, as I have quite a few other anime junkies who have said similar things to me. This group of buffoons is a very, very large reason as to why I dislike anime culture so much. Clearly, it goes well beyond the annoyance of seeing anime girls everywhere with breasts the size of bowling balls and dumbfounded, vacuous expressions on their faces, or pictures of overly emo anime soap opera figures "bleeding through the eyes."
I'm sick of anime. I'm tired of seeing it everywhere, and I'm tired of many of its ridiculous fans.
If I posted this on an anime board somewhere, I could expect to be attacked from every conceivable different direction by obsessive anime fans wearing little ninja outfits their parents got for them at Wal-Mart and wielding katanas and samurai swords they purchased via mail-order. They'll tell me things like:
"lol, you stupid furry, anime is an incredible work of art, man, so go back to your con and hump a raccoon."
"you've probably never even watched decent anime, you've just seen the junk on fox kids, lol, i feel sorry for u."
"love hina is so awesome, if you've never watched that or hellsing, which is awesome, u probably have no idea what your even talking about."
"if u don't like anime, then u shouldn't even be breathing my air. get off my intarweb!!~~~~"
"lol, u have sex with cartoon characters >___> .................................................. mmmmmmmmmmm Tsunade........... ^________~;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;"
"Anime is a higher form of art, and if you cannot appreciate it, then I suppose that means you are a lower being."
Of course, this entry is not meant to directly offend anyone, but if some featherbrained anime otaku sees this and blows up for it, I would be very pleased. I'm aware that it's all a matter of personal taste, and am not insisting that liking anime per se is a bad thing. Respect, however, is not a one way street. If you respect my personal tastes, I'll respect your passion for anime. Too many little quips like the one I posted above, however... well, then they will just culminate into entries like these.
A fairly general statement, I know, but it adequately summarises the overall impression that I get whenever I see a "hot" anime chick flaunting her disgusting figure in someone's forum signature image, or view any anime on TV, be it kid or adult-oriented. It could not possibly get any worse than kid shows like "Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go," but I imagine such a thing is a joke even amongst the anime community. At least, I hope it is.
Actually, I think more "sophisticated" programmes like Hellsing and Full Metal Alchemist are almost as bad. The characters in FMA look and act just as stupid to me as the characters in Dragonball Z. I could not get myself involved in the story at all. The only anime show I've ever managed to sit all the way through was Wolf's Rain, but only because of its slightly furry theme. Otherwise, it was quite a bore, and the characters as humans just got on my nerves.
I don't not like anime just to be different. I have tried as hard as I could to find some reason to respect it, but have not yet succeeded. Apparently, anime is something I simply cannot appreciate. And I would just leave it at that and let people like what they want to like, if it wasn't for disconcerting little notes like these:
"it's pretty funny you say you don't like anime, and say your play dumb games like starfox adventures which has a bad plot and little stuff to do besides hit things with a stick. Appreciating great anime requires discerning taste and apparently all you have is a fondness for simlplistic (sic) kiddy games."
One idiot giving the entire village a bad name? Not quite, as I have quite a few other anime junkies who have said similar things to me. This group of buffoons is a very, very large reason as to why I dislike anime culture so much. Clearly, it goes well beyond the annoyance of seeing anime girls everywhere with breasts the size of bowling balls and dumbfounded, vacuous expressions on their faces, or pictures of overly emo anime soap opera figures "bleeding through the eyes."
I'm sick of anime. I'm tired of seeing it everywhere, and I'm tired of many of its ridiculous fans.
If I posted this on an anime board somewhere, I could expect to be attacked from every conceivable different direction by obsessive anime fans wearing little ninja outfits their parents got for them at Wal-Mart and wielding katanas and samurai swords they purchased via mail-order. They'll tell me things like:
"lol, you stupid furry, anime is an incredible work of art, man, so go back to your con and hump a raccoon."
"you've probably never even watched decent anime, you've just seen the junk on fox kids, lol, i feel sorry for u."
"love hina is so awesome, if you've never watched that or hellsing, which is awesome, u probably have no idea what your even talking about."
"if u don't like anime, then u shouldn't even be breathing my air. get off my intarweb!!~~~~"
"lol, u have sex with cartoon characters >___> .................................................. mmmmmmmmmmm Tsunade........... ^________~;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;"
"Anime is a higher form of art, and if you cannot appreciate it, then I suppose that means you are a lower being."
Of course, this entry is not meant to directly offend anyone, but if some featherbrained anime otaku sees this and blows up for it, I would be very pleased. I'm aware that it's all a matter of personal taste, and am not insisting that liking anime per se is a bad thing. Respect, however, is not a one way street. If you respect my personal tastes, I'll respect your passion for anime. Too many little quips like the one I posted above, however... well, then they will just culminate into entries like these.
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