The brief idiot's guide to Costco

∙ If it's there, and you want it, grab it. Chances are it'll be gone tomorrow. Forever. And you'll kick yourself so hard.

∙ Do your own research instead of coming in expecting a sales assistant to explain to you the concept of a "computer."

∙ Never enter the building through the exit door. Whether you are a clueless child or the warehouse manager, YOU WILL BE SLAPPED ON THE WRIST BY THE RECEIPT CHECKER.

∙ Don't look at any of digital cameras on display too hard, or you'll make the alarm go off.

∙ Say hi to the birds nesting up in the light fixtures. They provide the store music.

∙ Kirkland Signature is brand name quality at generic label cost. I mean, I use Kirkland men's body spray all the time. Trust me, it smells just like TAG or AXE, and whenever I have it on, all the hot chicks with celebrity bodies just can't keep themselves away from me, let me tell you. Sure, you can get lucky if you chew the right brand of gum, but nothing gets you laid like putting on Kirkland Signature Body Spray, you can count on my word.

∙ Don't come in asking where the mp3s are. We don't carry them, as they constantly get stolen or lost. They're invisible, you see.

∙ Almost everything small and inexpensive is sold in bulk. Don't come in expecting to purchase a rose, a pencil, or a Koosh ball. Unless you want three Koosh balls. Three jumbo Koosh balls that come in a container the size of a suitcase which is mostly just plastic trim.

∙ If you want headphones, you'll have to buy the iPod they're attached to.

∙ Always bring a cart in with you. Most products are bulky, heavy, and awkward, like your average McDonald's patron.

∙ Make sure you have decent collision insurance before entering the produce section. The cart traffic in that section is congested enough, but imagine members being in even more of a hurry to get out of the refrigerated area as quickly as possible.

∙ All children must be leashed and fitted with a muzzle before entering the store. We shall have no unruly, uncivilised beings climbing up the steels.