At least I know where I belong.

This Saturday, I put in a few hours at work, then we took off south to Seattle for a concert, hoping to make it to the venue by around 7 in the evening. We didn't even come close, as it turns out. We ended up sitting on the freeway for over an hour waiting for emergency responders to clear up an accident about a mile ahead of us, and we still had a ways to go after that. Our destination was on the outskirts of an Indian reservation, seemingly so, so far away. The time was approaching 8:30 by the time we got the chance to park, hike all the way to the front gate, then wait in line again to submit our tickets and be frisked. We did manage to arrive within view of the stage to catch the last three or four songs of Soundgarden, at least, and all of the closing act, Nine Inch Nails. Granted, we saw NIN live in Seattle just a few months prior, but if you adore an artist enough, there's no such thing as too many times. And they put on an excellent show, again. I was just slightly disappointed I didn't hear anything from my favorite album, The Fragile. I was blown away when they had played "Even Deeper" at their previous Seattle show... that song is me.

That said, I found the experience as a whole to be... strangely unfulfilling. I didn't feel very moved, but rather beside myself. Perhaps I was simply too drained from all the hours of driving stress before I even arrived. I tried to forget about it all and lose myself in the music and the moment, but my attempts were ineffective for the most part. I also happened to take notice of how lethargic the entire crowd was, from start to finish... hardly any movement even in the front rows. This wasn't James Taylor featuring Prince Valium, this was fucking Nine Inch Nails.

I wouldn't go so far as to say it felt like a waste of money or time, even though it certainly consumed plenty of both, between the tickets, gas, $35 concert shirts, and sitting in traffic for what felt like several hundred miles each way. I just didn't enjoy myself nearly as much as I feel like I should have, and if I had known that beforehand, I most likely would have opted to save that money for something else. I got to thinking, mid-song, that while concerts and such can be fun, these sorts of entertainment options just don't bring me the sorts of thrills that they would have maybe 10 years ago. It's similar to the whole bar hopping thing, getting smashed and being an idiot in front of perfect strangers may have been fun and exciting in one's college years (I never cared for it at all), but when they're older, not so much. Likewise, I hardly give a damn anymore about seeing a movie in the theater when I can just download it and watch it at home for free. While in my 20's, I would go and see movies at least once or twice per month, as well as spend plenty of time cruising around shopping malls, not so much because I was shopping for anything in particular, but I actually found it fun. Nowadays, I can barely stand to set foot in a mall.

I'm guessing this is a part of getting older and greyer (haha, how can I get much greyer?). Things like once seemed so exciting and novel and rebellious in high school or college, like staying up all night, getting totally pissed, looking fashionably dark and brooding in front of Hot Topic, and sneaking weed into shows now seem pretty mundane, things I've come to feel pretty damn blasé towards. Then again, having grown up on in the country on a remote Hawaiian island, I never really had access to concerts or many other urban activities anyway. I grew up filling my time with nature rather than musical or theatrical performances, and I think that also factors into it strongly. This Saturday night, I would have felt more moved by a stroll along a moonlit beach beside the crashing waves. I would have gladly taken that over being stranded on the interstate, coughing on second hand smoke, and being stuck amongst mobs of human beings for hours.

Another interesting thing to note is that one of the reasons I chose to move from Hawaii to the Pacific Northwest is the much greater availability of such entertainment options: performances, festivals, museums, cultural events, etc. I will say that since we've moved here, we've attended a ton of fun events, but I've been increasingly left with this odd feeling that there is much left to be desired. At this point, I feel like it's a matter of wanting to fill the void with entertainment options available to us, but there shouldn't be such a void to begin with. Not even Nine Inch Nails was enough to fill it this time, which is a bit saddening to say.

It would be easiest to attribute this sense of lassitude and detachment with homesickness, for that would be a most obvious cause. I need no further evidence than my daily dreams that I already sorely miss my homeland, in some ways that defy description. It's often at the forefront of my conscious thoughts as well, for hardly an hour goes by that I don't at least briefly daydream of being back on the island somewhere, back in my element. I'm not convinced I will ever feel as wholesome and complete away from the only land that fills me with such spiritual energy and strength of character. Highly doubtful. I feel like a bit of a shell of myself, partially asleep, soul dormant, waiting to be roused by something truly beautiful and inspiring. Well, we know there's hardly shit in the depressing, banal state of popular culture these days to do the job, so... back to nature has to be the answer.

The next thing I'm really looking forward to is Rainfurrest at the end of September. I hope that a furry con will be enough to rekindle that wolven spirit that should be burning much brighter than it is, even if lasts only for the few days of its duration. It would be quite a lousy feeling if I found myself experiencing similar disinterest in such a setting... but it's hard to picture that happening. The warmth and positivity and like-mindedness in that setting permeates the atmosphere so much, I can't imagine it's possible to stay gloomy. I would dare say that of all the things I would be likely to miss about living here after we move, I would miss the fur cons and fur meets the most. I really doubt I'd miss much else.

That's not to say it's impossible we could have furry meets on a much, much smaller scale on the Big Island. It's already happened before...