Sep 9, 2004

It's a headless wonder operating under the delusion of a master plan.

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I experienced a seizure last night. It's the first time such a thing ever happened to me, so I had no idea what was going on. I was feeling terribly frustrated and depressed preceding it, but that never brought on a seizure before. Not too long before, I was in the middle of a conversation, barely able to type comprehendibly, with one-ton weights on my chest and my chair spiraling backwards in circles at 60 mph. About all I can remember is that my body started convulsing for a few frightening minutes to a flurry of incredible depression and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I panicked on top of that, drowning myself in a tears, which surely didn't help things at all. I don't remember anything between then and regaining consciousness on the cold linoleum floor (walk a thousand miles...). For a good few minutes, I struggled to gather where I was, and failed. I must have laid flat on my back for a good hour, staring up the ceiling which resembled the ground from 15,000 feet.

These are certain signs that I really am beginning to lose it. I've always considered myself a strong individual, but lately, I feel incredibly weak and vulnerable ... not at all far from going over the edge. What if something similar happens tonight? How will I deal with it? Will it be even worse? Could I even deal with it? What if I have another seizure and I'm incapable of exerting the judgment not to hurt myself? I'm just not sure how to deal with any of this. I don't want to tell my parents. I can't feel comfortable telling them things like that. We just don't have that kind of relationship. I refuse to pursue professional assistance... that's against my nature. If I can't help myself, sure as shit no one else is going to be able to help me.

I got out and attended biology lab, today. A miserable two and one half hours, to say the least. Let me be up front, here. I don't want to work with people. I don't want to cooperate with humans. I'm not a team player. I never will be. I always want to be alone and do my own thing. I don't want to be holed up in a small laboratory with artificial lighting and artificial air. I positively abhor it. I could barely concentrate on the work I was supposed to be doing, as I was too busy being miserable and trying to convince myself I could actually get through it. The thought of dropping out of school altogether crossed my mind, but I quickly realized that such a decision would only make me unhappier. It certainly wouldn't make anything better. I'd have to get a full-time job, and still deal with humans. I'm terribly disappointed in myself for even considering such a thing. That doesn't help my self-esteem, which has already sunk significantly throughout the past couple weeks. I guess it's only natural for someone who doesn't really belong anywhere.

I just remembered that I forgot to pick up maple syrup. Grrrr. I can't eat waffles without it. When I'm shopping, I often feel like closing my eyes, reaching out to the shelf, and grabbing the first item I touch. That would save me lots and lots of time. Why must I choose between fifty different toothpaste flavors and three dozen different types of bread? Too many choices; it's not healthy. I can't shop when I'm not of a decisive mindset. Having to decide on which flavor in which size of which brand of creamy ranch salad dressing in transparent squeeze bottles with green tops gets too overwhelming sometimes.

I want to be away from here. Far, far away from here...

2 comments:

psychoticbambi said...

interesting wolf. very interesting.

Anonymous said...

You must have felt frustrated throughout your experience with the seizure.

I hope things are looking up for you.

Anujot