Truth is...

I accidentally dropped my digital camera, worth approximately $450, into a stream yesterday afternoon.  It's now nothing more than a paperweight; perhaps a nice mantle piece.  I've been mentally punishing myself all last night and this morning for allowing such a catastrophe to occur.  If I had been more cautious with my footing or had maintained a tighter grip, or had not been so audacious as to take it with me upstream at all, it never would have happened.  Or maybe it would have later on.  Karma works in mysterious ways.  I could have accidentally dropped it down a steep, inaccessible gorge and not even have gotten to keep it as a souvenir for aesthetic value.  My spirits thoroughly deflated, however, I decided not to go that far, and simply turned back to go home.  It's not even so much the monetary value of it that so upsets me, not how analogous the experience was to watching $400 float down the stream away from you while you could do nothing about it.  I can always afford another one.  It's how careless and ungraceful I was to allow such a thing to happen that depresses me the most. I don't feel my expectations of myself are overblown, but I disappointed myself more by doing this than I have in a long, long time.  I expect myself to make plenty of mistakes, as everyone does, but... I simply was not prepared to make a mistake like this.  On the surface, it's hardly a big deal.  Cameras can always be replaced.  Of course, it had very much become a part of me, as I take photography seriously, and am very passionate about my developing work.  Underneath,  I'm reminded that I'm not nearly as invincible as I often become convinced I am.  I take risks all the time and usually come out unscathed and satisfied.  Perhaps the purpose of this unfortunate event was to remind me that I am vulnerable to tremendous misfortune, that it's always lying just around the corner, waiting for a time that I'm sticking my neck out to pounce and clamp its jaws down upon my jugular.  Perhaps in the long run, my loss has done more good than harm, in that it has inspired me to exercise more caution, which could save me from having to endure a tragedy in the future.  At any rate, I need to call the service center and send my camera to the repair facility, to see if they can do anything to fix it.  If it must be replaced, I at least hope I can get it for a lower price, considering I still have nine months of warranty left.  Unfortunately, it explicitly states it does not cover water damage, or clumsy negligence.

"Cauterized" by Tweaker is a composition that very accurately represents my current mood.