Jul 17, 2005

Here's a toast to not being a complete tampon.

So, I saw the following ridiculous specimen floating about the Internet once again, and thought I would share my reaction to it:

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches, but this is not their fault, society makes them that way. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Coming out of the closet: the first step is always the hardest! Seriously, I feel it's hardly a coincidence so many homosexuals also happen to be nice.

I can safely say I generally dislike women myself, not to mention testosterone-crazed men who are essentially walking hard-ons, but I really don't have much respect for the utterly pussy-whipped pincushions either. They're just setting themselves up to be taken advantage of, and they deserve to be manipulated mercilessly for all their stupidity and incredible meekness. I wouldn't be at all surprised if more women preferred men who appropriately acted upon their masculinity as ordained by animal nature and understood that many women already have "girl friends" to do the jobs of "nice guys" for them. I do believe in chivalry, and treating your loved ones with respect, dignity, and compassion, but this incredibly deluded wally is preaching something entirely different. Either he is going to continue inevitably living a life of utter misery or start goal tending for the other team; I suspect by this time he has already done the latter. Increasing estrangement from the opposite sex probably means the gateway to gaydom is at least partially ajar at this point.

Honestly, "nice guys," it's hard to imagine that many "illogical, manipulative bitches" would be very sexually attracted to you when your overflowing syrupy sweetness completely overshadows your limp little libido. Personally, I wouldn't mind giving the author of the above post a nice, hard kick in the balls just to remind him of his manhood, providing he has any balls to kick. It's such a well-perpuated myth that what women are really looking for above everything is romance, chivalry, and in the perception of "nice guys," endless sucking up (though they would -never- call it that)! Women desire and think about sex just as much as men do; they are just much less vocal about it. If you want to get "laid," good sir, quit bitching about it and playing the victim and try making a quality pass sometime, showing that you do, in fact, have something in your pants besides a fistful of pubic hair. It's probably the only hope you'll ever have of scoring a touchdown.

1 comment:

Kinuki said...

See, that's where I think the author's being a prat. We shouldn't be nice to people just to expect something, especially something as personal as sex, in return. Kind acts need to be performed out of the goodness of the heart, not out of greed to get laid. In fact, complaining that you're a nice guy but not getting laid because of it just shows the author is a hypocrite; nice guys don't care about getting laid by their friends all the time in exchange for being courteous.

Oh well; maybe, with any luck, he won't ever get laid, and his genes will be spared from the gene pool. Yay, cynicism!

On a side note, have you seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet? You mentioned it earlier, and I was curious to hear (or rather, in this case, see) your opinion on it. If you'd rather not waste space on your blog, you know how to contact me. :)