Apr 28, 2005

A shot of introspection to the head.

Being a lone wolf has its merits. Usually, the only individual I have to satisfy is myself. I never feel obligated to go places to consort with certain people, or do them favours. Having no local friends means I really need not worry about anyone in my immediate surrounding area. I have plenty of free time to myself to do as I please, and I only need to worry about pleasing myself.

Unfortunately, I have come to realise that most of those "merits" have certain downsides. Since I am seemingly always alone, I am my own best friend, and as a result of that I often have heated conflicts with myself, as if "my best friend" was another person. Sometimes, I become quite weary of my own friendship, particularly when I am lacking in confidence or a general perception of self-worth. It is during such times that I most desire to escape from myself. Perhaps that's one of the predominant reasons many people keep friends- to distract them from themselves. If I did not love myself and enjoy my own company most of the time, I might be much more desperate for friends to help me feel better about myself; if only by distraction. It figures all of my friends would be at least one ocean away, and I would be stranded way out here in the middle of the Pacific. It's a perfect metaphor for the situation of social relations I have experienced all my life. I have always been an island. I have survived and could survive with no friends whatsoever, but with no one to care about and take care of, and no one to care about and take care of me, life would most likely be quite miserable and difficult.

Then again, I do all sorts of bizarre things like loiter in cemeteries regardless of night or day, romp up river beds, climb mountains for the challenge of it, have out-of-body experiences, silently watch the stars for hours, and make imaginary highways out of sand dunes. Who would want to hang out with me?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!

I have never tried to make a friend at school. A part of me is telling me that I can't, and another part of me is telling me that I just don't want to. I am not certain which side is telling the truth, because, as I stated, I have never tried. I have never met anyone at school that is anything like me, as far as I could tell. I am sure there are such individuals, though, but I will never meet them because I think words are cheap and hence barely ever say anything. I listen and I observe exclusively, and that has gained me loner status. I'm sure my unapproachable aura has plenty to do with it as well. My typical expression probably makes me appear rather glum, though I rarely think about what my appearance projects. I make myself blend in like I truly have something to hide-- and I do. There's plenty about me I don't wish to reveal to those I do not completely trust.

Most people seem not to notice me at all. When I was viewing the lava at the volcano last weekend, I was surrounded by humans, and not one of them ever so much as acknowledged my presence. One even bumped into me and didn't even seem to notice. I could have been a ghost. I would not be terribly surprised if I actually did exist in a different dimension than most other people. It would, in fact, make me feel better to know. I'm quite comfortable with adjusting my appearance and behaviour so that I do not stand out. I do not want people's attention, save for that of my family and friends. It is simply not important to me. I'm content with expressing my true self online and being an impenetrable mystery to everyone who knows me "in real life."

I had a discussion today with my English teacher about my final research paper (yes, my very last paper of the semester) on shifting paradigms in the global warming debate. She actually took five minutes out of her time to praise me on being a stand-out student who does graduate-level work. She even urged me to go to graduate school once I finished university, and said she knows that I'll go far in life. I appreciated such comments, certainly, and it is always nice to receive a reminder that all this work I do is appreciated by someone. As for graduate school, I will most certainly be putting that off for awhile, as I need to start generating some income sooner than later, and I am quite sick of school, as much as I intentionally tried to prolong it for as long as possible.

I am starting to slip in and out of consciousness, so it is evident that I need my sleep. But first, I visited a very aesthetically pleasing cemetery for the first time in the late Tuesday afternoon. The weather was simply perfect for the experience, as one may gather in the pictures.

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