...And everyone that's so unkind gets swallowed by the tide.

I have accomplished many goals and projects this past week. First of all, I landed a part-time job working for the university's agricultural division. I should be able to start by the end of next week, and it should carry me through the rest of the semester, providing I am not miraculously chosen for a higher paying part-time job. I also took the initiative of consulting an academic advisor to determine when exactly I can graduate. It turns out there is a distinct possibility I can be out of school with a degree by December of this year. I cannot say I mind that likelihood. Assuming I pass all my courses this semester (of course), I'll need eight more courses (23 credits). The best path, it appears, is to enroll in a couple 3-credit summer courses, then take 18 credits in the fall. Since each course in the brief summer sessions go for three hours a day, five days a week (for a total of 15 hours of class time per week, as opposed to the usual three during regular semesters), taking more than two courses at a time would be a killer. Even two courses is not far off from full time job status. Having that kind of schedule will feel quite a lot like high school, but the catch is, it goes for a mere four weeks-- May 16th to June 9th. Providing I can enroll in suitable courses for that particular session, that would leave the rest of the summer open. I would have plenty of time to, say, travel to the mainland for awhile, then return to wrap up those 18 credits. What happens after that remains to be seen. I haven't planned quite that far. Also, Hindery commented that I produce some of the best chapter summaries/critiques in the class, but my geographical rhetoric can get pretentiously glossy and circumlocutory at times. I was already half-conscious of that, but hearing that from him rang a few bells for me. In this region, direct language is most commonly preferred, and I have always had a penchant for being a little dodgy in my academic writing. I suppose it's time I force some self-improvement out of... myself.

Having my own notebook computer back from the repair centre feels luxurious, to say the least, and it's enough incentive to begin a new web-building project. I may start by updating my existing web site, and then creating another one with a more focused theme. It might help to restore some of my interest in and involvement with the world wide web and its participants.

I would like to comment on the evolution of my musical tastes within the past year, if only for my own future reference. It seems no more than a year has passed since I proclaimed that metal is the musical genre that suits me most. I was heavily into cheesy bands like Sonata Arctica and HammerFall for one reason or another, the foremost probably being that they seemed so gloriously "different." Before exploring metal more intensively, I was listening to average, mainstream rock music. That was before I ever realised that so much better music was to be found ... most of it originating outside of America's borders, and not readily available in your local Wal-Mart. The dark, phantasmagoric themes and hard, melodic sounds of the metal I got myself into appealed to me greatly. ...It touched me in much more dramatic ways than my mom's light jazz or my dad's 60's classic rock. Of all the bands I became fascinated with, Dream Theater was the whopper. Obsession would be a more precise term to describe my connection with their music. For many months, I hardly listened to much else. Very gradually, that obsession began to fade, and simultaneously, I was introduced to the splendor of electronic music last spring.

Certainly, I had known about electronic music before. Techno acts like The Chemical Brothers and rave/house artists like Antiloop have entertained me for years. I simply wasn't aware of how much more the genre had to offer, and how stellar that material was. In my brother's collection of digital music files, I had found a trance composition entitled "Zone of Consciousness" by Ghost in the Machine, and I recall being mesmorised by it. In the same year, 1999, I discovered a few mp3s by an artist called "Infected Mushroom" -- also downloaded by my brother. The music was unlike anything I had heard before, and I instantly became enamored of it. Hence my later obtaining any of their material I could get my paws on.

Until spring of 2004, however, I was exposed to very little electronic music, aside from psytrance/goa groups like Infected Mushroom, and a few techno groups. Fortunately, I met someone who was positively passionate about electronica, and would become a very good friend. Upon receiving the first batch of CD's he burned for me, I was plunged into the incredible world of trance music. I must admit, since it was so dramatically different from metal, the sound took a little while to absorb. I knew right from the first time I heard "Afterglow" by Plastic Angel, though, that this was something special--that this music would undoubtedly become a passion of mine as well. I could not then predict, though, that it would outrank metal as being my absolute favourite genre of all.

It's something about that rhythmic, throbbing beat serving as the supporting foundation of beautiful, harmonious synth melodies. I can usually feel it as if it were my own pulse ... like the music is pumping through my bloodstream, not just through my speakers. Many trance songs feel much like a ride on the back of a giant mythical avian creature through eternal time and space, and the pulsating beat is the heavy flapping of the bird's wings as we ascend higher and higher. When the beat subsides and the multi-textured melodies continue to weave around one another like the vibrant threads of aural quiltwork, I feel as if we are simply floating, effortlessly suspended above the clouds as our hearts witness the beauty that drives our celestial kinetics. The climactic focal point of the song equates to our spiritual transcendence.

So, I believe it's safe to say electronic music is my new me; be it trance, techno, industrial, EBM, drum & bass, acid jazz, or what-have-you. I'm already familiar with countless artists in the genre, and I must have more. In a way, I am disheartened that the genre seems universally ignored by a mainstream audience in America--most Americans are all about their country, or their rap, or their whiny punk/emo, or their awesome metal singers who cough up course-grain sandpaper more often than sing, or their horrible pop stars that more or less define the mediocrity of America as a nation through their formulaic lyrics and dreadfully hackneyed musical contributions. The best music, I have found, is usually foreign.

I still enjoy many different genres of music. I heard an Uncle Kracker song the other day, and liked it. But electronic music is in my blood, now. It's a far cry from the usual guy on bass, another guy on lead guitar, another guy on backing guitar and vocals, another guy on keyboards, and another guy on drums. How refreshing.

The word of the day is conniption

I wish I could be someone else right now. Anything else. A termite choking on a splinter, perhaps.



Fog is beautiful.

I've been listening to "Agua Para Mis Abuelos" by Icarus throughout the day, and... I swear it, that drum & bass instrumental does something to me I cannot quite define. It's like a paintbrush that dips into the deepest well of my soul, saturating its fine bristles in a reserve of liquid euphoria less oft tapped with each year that meanders further from the magical mystery of childhood, and splatters it all over the trembling inner walls of my spirit. There are songs you consider great and hold very dear to yourself, and then there are songs that manifest themselves in your heart and soul, and essentially become a part of you. Even when you are not actually listening to said music, it still plays on. You don't hear the notes; you feel them instead, and the harmony plays on over your shoulder. Rarely does any song affect me so intensely, but there are a few others in my possession that do. It's hard not to be overcome with a sense of warmth and anticipation when considering how many more such songs I will discover in the future ... how many are already out there waiting to be discovered by me, and how many are yet to be composed. Perhaps a song that shall touch me in ways I cannot conceive is presently but an inkling of a preconception in the mind of an artist, who's vacillating over whether or not he should act upon it.

Perhaps I shall attempt to create electronic music of my own, someday. The inspiration is there, and so is the fascination.

Life's a beach, then you dive.

I took all kinds of lovely photographs of valley streams and waterfalls, forests, a hawk, and the ocean skyline today, but my Gateway notebook with the built-in memory card reader is a paperweight, and I forgot to bring my USB cable which allows me to connect the digital camera to my desktop. Oh well. I'll be back there in two days.

I also saw a large pig today with three small baby pigs following behind her single-file. Aww-inspiring. And in the same place, I had a staring contest with a majestic Hawaiian hawk for awhile. The hawk won.

I'm so glad Christmas is over. It was incredibly depressing this year. The whole event was terribly strained. Everyone was clearly trying too hard to act as if they were actually enjoying themselves. The senselessness of it all infuriated me, and I feel fortunate I got through it without nipping anyone's head off (though things could have potentially gotten a little ugly over Christmas dinner). Something about being here depresses me immensely, and it isn't my parents. The utter isolation, maybe, and bitter memories of the worse times of my childhood. Perhaps it's the fact that nothing changes here, which evokes the realisation of how much I have changed, and that the golden days of my childhood have long passed me by. I am never going to get them back. What's it matter, though? I'm still as much of a spoiled rotten bastard as I ever was.

Amongst a bunch of other junk, I got a sharp hatchet, a 4-piece knife set, and a big flashlight.

...Hmm.

"bounty"?

you fucks.

I am truly beginning to loathe this time of year. Everyone can just take their superficial holiday cheer and COOL new material possessions and stuff it. Jesus in a jumpsuit, you fools and your predictable senseless bullshit. It's like everyone is just running around in circles on a track. Aw, little Timmy got a new X-box. Little Timmy's happy. Nothing like showing your love for someone else by going out and buying their affection at a superstore and hiding the receipt. I don't want to open any presents this year. I don't feel like I even deserve any. I don't want anything new. I already have too much junk as it is, and I just want to start getting rid of all this useless crap that ultimately just makes life miserable. Damn all these lamentable traditions I am expected to participate in for the sole reason that I exist. I think I shall be off to make my mark on a few tacky plastic holiday lawn ornaments. Maybe I will run into the Father of Materialistic Greed, aka Santa Claus. I'll be certain to carry a bludgeon with me just in case, as well as a sharp cutting instrument to free the reindeer from their reins. Any of Santa's little minions who happen to be roving around singing repetitive Christmas carols for beer money can scurry back to Wal-Mart headquarters in the north pole and share the tragic news with the district manager so he can quickly hire another fat old shmuck with a beard and a drinking problem to sneak in through people's chimneys in the dead of the night for $6.75 an hour. ...Then have a bite to eat at McDonald's and receive a bunch of awesome little toys to pride around and show off to their friends. Getting stuff is so fucking cool. For them. I don't want any of it anymore. Owning stuff is a most excruciating form of bondage, and I don't feel my spirit can handle such oppression. Eh, I kind of feel like breaking into someone's house tonight, myself. Maybe I'll even wear a santa hat just to show some Christmas spirit. I think I shall be off to do that, actually... it'll be a new experience.

Yup, it's that time again, and I am possessed by something. And it sure isn't holiday spirit. Everyone clear a path. I need all the space I can get to fight this battle, and whoever happens to get in my way, well... tsk, tsk. Poor souls. **Sets out into the night**

Several hours pass

Mmkay! I have returned. I didn't happen to witness anything magical Christmasy, just one car and a slew of obnoxious mutts. I'm not sure how I should feel about domesticated dogs anymore. They are canine, granted, so I feel somewhat related to them and have to respect them to some degree, but on the other paw, they are so utterly guided by human influence and are so submissive to its "owner(s)" that it's disgusting. At least every other residence comes standard with a dog here, and having some nasty mongrel yapping noisily as I pass by quietly greatly disturbs the serenity of everything. Wild canines are probably the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen... domesticated dogs are usually far, far from it.

This world, though... what the fuck? Whose idea of a joke is this?

I feel as if the entire room is spinning, and that I am sitting upside down as I type this. I have not had an ounce of liquor, either. My parents had better let me sleep in, because I am a volcano that is just about to blow its top.

Ho ho ho and a helping of genocide!

Today, I overcame my irrational fear of sea crabs.

It was surprisingly easy. A simple walk along the base of the towering sea cliffs was all it took. They are always there, wherever the water wets the rocks. Predictably, they all scurried away into their little hiding places as I approached. I had realised that they belong there and I have no reason to fear them a long time ago, but that never kept me from becoming petrified everytime I came too close to one. For much of my childhood, I felt I would be less frightened having a chance encounter with a hungry shark out at sea than I would be if surrounded by dozens of sea crabs at my feet. Well, I sat on a rock perfectly still for what must have been a good half hour just watching them move up and down the boulders along with the waves. I always feared their creepy sideways movements, and the eerie way their legs hammered up and down as they moved along. The longer I watched it, though, the more natural and sensible it all seemed. I even found a desiccated crab corpse sitting on a rock, and I scooped it up and took a close look at it. Whatever caused me to fear such a creature, be it a childhood experience I could no longer recall but was still part of my sub-conscious, or a bad dream I had one night years ago, I suddenly realised it was quickly fading away. Maybe it already had been fading away somewhat before today, but just a few hours have passed since I finally concluded that I had nothing to fear. I can easily rationalise fearing humans to death, but crabs? No.

Speaking of humans, many people tend to flip out when I tell them I would be more inclined to save a raccoon's life over the life of a random human being I do not know. They seem to think I either must be lying in order to make myself look like a "badass punk" or something along those lines because I demonstrate a complete lack of morals or compassion for "my fellow man," or believe that I must be a terribly disturbed, mentally unstable, perpetually miserable, morally bereft hopeless sinner. Coming from those sorts of people, I cannot help but take it all as compliments. I would, however, like to make a few things clear, in my very own territory where narrow-minded fools cannot attack me from every side with their baseless claptrap (civil, intelligent comments are welcome). I have been over this before, but many people just can't seem to grasp it, so I repeat myself: the value system(s) and moral code(s) you adhere to, whether you have invented one, customised borrowed elements from a few for yourself, or subscribe to one or two universalising systems, do not and should not apply to everyone else. It's such a simple concept that so many people say they comprehend, but their actions demonstrate otherwise. Certainly, I understand why one might get a little exasperated when I assure them that my natural instinct would be to take a bullet for my cat than I would for them. Humans love to think they are vastly superior to all other species, and it's no big mystery why they would be inclined to believe that. They are more evolved; more intelligent; develop this remarkable art and architecture that they alone revere with tremendous sentiment; destroy and ravage the very habitat they depend on more than any other species; spread their filth and contamination all over the world, whose resources they consume excessively and inefficiently; enslave and slaughter billions of innocent creatures for their own entertainment, food, and scientific progression; have a God who of course assumes human form because humans are more worthy of divine precedence than anything else. Imagine worshiping a God that looked like a fish, the horror! Fishing would be internationally banned, for fear of catching God on a hook! Say, if God were a fish, wouldn't he just skim along the surface of the water instead of swim like his school of disciples?

If only more people were more educated and less ignorant enough to realise how dependent they are on the very environment they are altering and decimating for their own luxury.

Well, as many who know me closely or are even somewhat familiar with me are aware, I do value animals over humans. It comes naturally, and it is neither something I gloat about nor am at all ashamed of. I bother to mention it publically only when asked a question on the subject, as I am usually not compelled to say things for the sake of being outright offensive, but I am brutally honest about what I truly believe, think, and feel. I am simply appalled at the fact that so many people cannot seem to accept this about me and hence refuse to treat me with any respect and dignity as a result. As much as I dislike humanity on a general level, I still show respect to people I come in contact with, especially in person. I realise that it's not their fault they're human. I know I am far from alone in my values, and do not feel they make me unique from everyone else. I have a strong feeling several others share the same sentiments but are less inclined to be open about it. I cannot blame them, either. I feel that being accused of having a "horrible mentality" because you would sooner free a dozen foxes from their cages to save them from burning up in a fire and let two old men in lab coats burn up is nothing short of ridiculous, but I was accused of such a thing recently on only a slightly different example. From human perspective, sure, it's "horrible," but fortunately, humans aren't the only thing in this world that matters, nor should anyone bother trying to convince me I am in the wrong for seeing things from an animal's point of view. I sympathise with animals much more. Animals have inspired me in more ways and have shown me more beauty than most humans ever have. If you have trouble dealing with that, maybe you need the therapy.

Now that I have all that out of my head, I am off to enjoy my Christmas Eve. I am rather fond of today's Google logo. **Saves**

To anyone who may be reading this, I shall not part with a horribly clichéd and hollow "happy holidays," but rather, something I mean from the heart rather than a phrase I just saw from the latest Wal-Mart commercial or the back of a card on a mass manufactured bouquet of fake flowers. I sincerely wish you all enjoyable and prosperous years ahead, bounteous with beauty, warmth, and love. Even if you sometimes feel you are estranged from the rest of the world, there is never a time we have not something in common.