Mar 23, 2005

Sibilance.

I've really gotten tired of writing about me, lately. Maybe that's because I've been getting tired of being me, lately. Sometimes, I would like nothing more than to be able to step outside of myself and examine myself as another individual that isn't myself, so I don't have to force myself to imagine how certain others perceive me. ...Or wonder whether I could tolerate my own behaviour if I had to be around myself as another person. Either way, I have been enjoying objective writing on social sciences much more than personal journaling. Anything that takes the focus off of me is a good thing. I am not certain why I feel this way, whether it's caused by a deficiency in self-esteem, or a realisation that I do not want to be respected, commended, or admired by most. I don't want to be nice to people I don't like, or smile upon my brother, or be really liked. I am sick of being told to lighten up because people just automatically assume based on what I write, how I dress, and the way I look that I'm dismal and brooding under this unassuming human disguise. I have no social life whatsoever, and I am the biggest recluse I know. Some might say that's a terrible issue that needs to be resolved; it's what I call a good start. I am sick of the ego, and I am sick of the self. I am sick of capitalising the letter "I," and I am sick of typing "myself." I am sick of complaining, so I am going to enjoy the rest of the day in silence.

That's right, folks. Shhhibilance.

1 comment:

::Blurred Visions of Utopia:: said...

I have to say, I particular enjoyed this entry. This is because it has gotten me thinking about self. I believe that it's important to write a personal journal of some kind so one can analyze their behaviour. That's probably why I do so much of it in my own journal. I've grown to adore that sort of thing because I'm able to see myself in my own eyes. I'm self aware and I'm comfortable. And being self aware is an important quality, in my opinion.

Though it makes you wonder how the rest of the world see you. And like you, it doesn't bother me what random strangers think of me; since chances are that I'll never see them again.

It does get me wondering how my objective self would view myself. Perceptions are always different, unique and enlightening, but this must really be a challenge!

I do notice that my comment had a lot of "I" and "me" references. It does contradict your entry, somewhat.

Well, if none of this made sense.. well.. I blame it on the kind of day I've been having!

Take care, Neal!:)