Dr. Watkins: where Hawaii goes for plastic surgery.

KWHE is one of the most hilarious local broadcast stations out there. I can still make that judgment even though I only receive two other channels, FOX and ABC. KWHE beats both the alternatives by leaps and bounds when it comes to my own personal amusement. Most of the time, they're showing religious programming which very often gets me chuckling. The last show I watched all the way through was an infomercial for "miracle spring water." Basically, it's a product that is blessed by the receiver of God (the one telling you to buy the product of course) and can cure the ailments of anyone who is annointed with it. The testimonials, by far, were the most amusing parts of the show. They would show a series of bits where someone would come up to the stage and tell a pastor all about the "miracle" they experienced. He took one woman's cane and threw it across the room, declaring "you don't need this, you have been HEALED BY GOD!" or something to that effect. What did she do? She started walking without it, goddamnit. I was especially touched by the story of the man who applied the miracle spring water one night and woke up the next day with a $3000 check and a well-paying career. I need to purchase me some of that miracle spring water!

Tonight, though, a looping commercial for Dr. Watkins' superior plastic surgery was on. As disgusted as I was with some of the people on the show, I also found it genuinely amusing, and was quickly reminded why humans are one of my least favourite species on earth. So self-conscious, so dissatisfied with what nature give them in such trivial aspects as appearance- ugh. A good five minute segment of the show concentrated on some blonde bimbo raving on how about how terrible her nose used to look- so abhorrently short and narrow. Before letting Dr. Watkins give her a nose job, she used to have to apply make up to it so it would look even close to acceptable. Now, after having the procedure with Dr. Watkins, she has a high nose, and can feel confident about herself again! ...my fucking god.

Everyone wants to look younger, and "reverse the signs of aging." Well, where do you start? "Premium quality natural-looking hair starts at $199!" Or for the ladies, "liposuction can get rid of those stubborn little pockets of fat near the hip and restore your youthful figure!" Oh, to imagine those cultures that still exist today where people do whatever they can to try to look -older-. Of course, any sensible person would not achieve any such goal by undergoing a dozen surgeries. It's astonishing how desperate people can be to make their ideal perception of their appearance a reality. What most of these despicable wastes of carbon need isn't a new nose, a hair transplant, or breast augmentation. They need counseling and intensive psychotherapy. The media has brainwashed them into making the most ridiculous, faulty judgements about themselves, and their minds need to be turned around before they waste large sums of money being defiant against nature and the truth. You see, once they fix one "problem," that will just give them an excuse to find another "horrible flaw" about themselves, and it never ends. They need help, and plastic surgery isn't the answer.

I'm amazed by how many people claim to be turned on by fake breasts. I consider it, above all, a colossal embarrassment. So you want fuller, thicker lips? Go die for your country and perhaps your karma will get you reincarnated as a chimp. You want to resurface your skin? Go jump in front of an asphalt roller. You may be in utter denial, but you shouldn't wear it on your face. Make-up and plastic surgery hides what you and many others consider "flaws," but in no way does it make you beautiful.