A complete smile makeover!

"Is your smile keeping you from living the life you've always dreamed of? Let Dr. Tanaka give you a complete smile makeover!"

I... think I would prefer to work my way through life without flashing great big smiles just to impress other people. Once again, it's another sign of how ridiculous this culture is, and I refuse to let a smile spell the difference between whether I get hired into my dream job or not. I admit, although the media is constantly trying to make me a relentlessly self-conscious wreck, I can't bring myself to be concerned about how straight and what shade of white my teeth are. This is even in spite of the fact that a perfect smile will get me many attractive women, high-paying jobs, and a new leash on life (or is that lease?!).

I smile when I am cheerful, amused, sometimes astounded, and desiring to express friendliness. I do not and will never fake a smile to sell myself, or even pretend someone just cracked a funny joke.

One phrase that does get under my skin is "marketing yourself." Is this to imply that I am some kind of mobile commodity that must go to great lengths to deliver a "personal sales pitch" in hopes of impressing a potential "consumer"? I probably would have been more inclined to participate in the last career fair if I hadn't been told beforehand that I should spend some time practising my "personal sales pitch." Umm, yeah. "Pick me, pick me! I would save a cat's life over a baby's, I've seen Reservoir Dogs, and I've always felt the posture and architecture of fire hydrants somehow artfully suggest that they are just begging for a hug. Did I get the job?"

What I have always dreaded most about interviews and the like is not having to answer a series of asinine questions more designed to evaluate your character than your skills for the job. I can deal with that. I just strongly dislike being expected to dress up in a way I would -never- ordinarily dress and contort my face into a cheerful, enthusiastic expression that just announces jubilantly, "Why yes sir, I am so excited about possibly working for you that I'll just about have to strangle my tail before it wags out of my Wal-Mart slacks, and I promise to give you 110- no, 113.4% at all times!" I feel like I am putting on a great big circus act, and it disgusts me. If I had my way I would rip off this tie that took me an hour to figure out to clip on and strangle you with it until you let me have YOUR job. "By the way, sir, if I may be so italicized to inquire, are my teeth white enough to work in laundry? What of my acne problem? I was told if I don't buy a certain product advertised on TV I am going to be an ugly reject my entire life. And I don't know about you, but I still don't think my nose is high enough. I've heard Roman noses just aren't considered beautiful or attractive anymore. **Holds head in paws**

Let's all run down to the beauty salon and get premium makeovers tomorrow. I want to finally be able to face the world and say with confidence, "THIS IS WHO I AM!"

In the meantime, excuse me while I ramble off to purchase a specialised product guaranteed to efficiently remove all traces of my unsightly nostril hairs. I'll do whatever it takes to ride the magic carpet of disjointed musings into Sleepland and rest easier at night, short of listening to another Children of Boredom EP. Ever since they started getting progressive and hence keeping me awake at night with their uncharacteristically energetic tunes, they just haven't compared to... **pats mouth and takes a very deep breath, exhaling slowly** ...Sigh.